Happily Troubled

When Was the Last Time You Made the Easy Choice and Relaxed?

When was the last time you truly felt calm and at ease? Do you remember listing things in your life that are going well and are in order? Do you remember settling into a comfortable position to enjoy and focus on one of them? You had three nice things in mind for the evening and simply chose one of them without putting them into any particular order of preference? You relaxed and felt happy!

If a situation or evening like that just came to your mind, you’ve experienced something that has painfully often been missing for me — the simple ease of a straightforward choice and a direct path toward relaxation. I often have the feeling that my life is full of a long list of interesting and important things I’d like to dive into. Which one should I focus on right now, and how could I leave the rest waiting for a moment so I wouldn’t be restless and scattered — happily troubled.

A State of Overchoice — Can You Imagine It!

I often realize that I’m happy and excited, yet overloaded by a lack of direction. I don’t get tired easily from short nights of sleep or physical exertion. And I’m not lacking meaning — quite the opposite, I have a great number of good and meaningful things in my life at the same time. I crave knowledge, important and rewarding interaction, and my own accomplishments. Sometimes that creates anxiety in me, even though there is so much good in my life. And it’s all here and now, not somewhere in the future.

I could describe it and admit that I’m lost — but not in the sense that my life lacks good or quality content. I’m not missing direction either; on the contrary, in many areas the trend is damn good! I just can’t decide what I should focus on right now, an hour from now, tonight, or tomorrow.

A state of overchoice is when there are so many options that decision-making becomes difficult and satisfaction decreases — or your energy runs out just trying to choose. A new day, in a way, resets everything, and the enthusiasm usually returns.

Does Everything Have to Be Planned?

Do you mainly plan only obligations in your calendar? Do you update it with things you’ve already done so you can review how events unfolded later? Do you also make a habit of scheduling positive things — the enjoyable and relaxing activities you look forward to? And do you write down even those non-time-specific plans as reminders so they don’t get forgotten?

It might sound like a pointless waste of time to you — and of course it is, if it feels unnecessary and useless and you don’t see those things as solutions to feeling directionless. In other words, if you don’t need that kind of structure to feel relaxed and at ease, and you’re not overly particular about your choices. Personally, I put all of those things into my calendar, and things go well for as long as I actually follow the plan.

Dead Weight of Directional Changes

Just put the plans into the calendar well in advance and everything works!? It isn’t quite that simple. There’s a “but”! There’s always one activity that interests me the most, and my schedule usually includes things that aren’t exactly mandatory. And that leads to me not being able to resist touching the most interesting thing — or changing the calendar and the plan I made in the morning. Then begins the circling and juggling of plans, activities, and all the related schedules, equipment, and other practical details.

When options have been thrown onto the table, the end result is two or three bags of gear lined up in the hallway, and from there begins the hauling of them into the car. With all the options open, there can no longer be a precise route plan for driving. Or it becomes impossible to make sure that everything needed is with you in one go.

I won’t choose the gym because swimming interests me. I won’t go to the guys’ workout class because my body might need stretching instead. Maybe I’ll skip both, because now the blog interests me and there’s cooking to do as well. A jog still floats in my mind for the early evening as an emergency plan so exercise doesn’t get skipped altogether. Or actually, I’ll just focus on watching a series today and maybe go for a run tomorrow morning before work! This repeats itself at least weekly…

From Overchoice to Decision Fatigue

When you make a lot of decisions during the day, your brain gets tired and even a small choice starts to feel heavy. The end result is fatigue, regardless of whether clear decisions are actually made or not. Sometimes the time window simply closes and the decision gets made — or missed — that way. Apparently I only made it to the gym but not to the pool, because the swimming hall was already closing by the time I finally decided!

How can you personally prevent or ease decision fatigue? I did find some fairly simple tips online for this:

• Prepare the day’s plans in the previous evening or at the latest in the morning (doesn’t really work for me — I tend to postpone it to the afternoon)
• Plan your eating more carefully in advance – breakfast, lunch, snack (absolutely will happen!)
• Make a list of today’s decisions – (well, I wouldn’t want to try something like that!)
• void sleep deprivation – go to bed on time – (I believe this too, even though I claim that my cognitive energy running out isn’t because of it)

Getting Stuck and the Agony of Quitting

When the decision is finally sealed and my focus is directed to that one task, and wandering to other important or interesting topics fades away, a phase of deep concentration follows, which can last for hours. This stretch can be insanely rewarding and confidence-boosting. Like yesterday, when I was writing the beginning and noticed how every fifteen minutes felt like a minute, and then realized it was midnight and I was going to bed too late.

Direction for Life – How about Starting with an Hour at a Time!

I’ll just dedicate an hour, and if it doesn’t feel right, I can switch to another activity? But for the next hour, I’ll just write. Easy now, since it’s clear! In an hour from now, I’d go drive to pick up my friends and head to padel court! I wonder if the same one hour planning will work later after the sports!

One Mode for the Day?

I also read this: Hardly a comprehensive list, but enough to prove this point. Think about whether these moods—or several of them—might combine for the same day for you. Is that a problem for you or a balancing factor?

• Body mode: Exercise, outdoor activities, preventive care like stretching or similar
• Release mode: Letting thoughts out, e.g., in a journal, blog, talking with close ones, or personal reflection, maybe lying in bed.
• Learning mode: Studying, webinars, practicing IT skills, using a new device, etc.
• Maintenance mode: Taking care of basics, e.g., paying bills, cleaning, organizing the calendar.
• Relationship mode: Activities with children, walking and talking with a partner, calling a friend.
• Creative mode: Image editing, branding, planning social media accounts, or similar.

What stuck with me was just the harsh realization that I probably try to do all of these on the same day, every single week. Can they even be separated? “Sorry, honey, I’m in creative mode today, we’ll do the body related stuff tomorrow…”

Can There Be Too Much Good in Life?

Of course not. Take a moment here and think about what you’re proud of and what you’re satisfied with! There’s surely a long list if you reflect on those good moments of happiness and calm.

On my list, I think of family, healthy children, my own basic health, an older sister and parents in good health, a good relationship, long-term and newer friends, a challenging job, opportunities for diverse sports, structuring free time, managing finances well, and even facing setbacks in manageable doses.

All of these have truly been privileges for me, and I’m lucky.

From the Peaks of Happiness to the Valleys of Despair

When a melancholic feeling hits, I try to remind myself of those. They don’t always stay in mind, and my thoughts swing from peak moods to the edge of despair.

The best feeling, of course, is when important work tasks are on schedule and I have time to prepare for what’s coming, relationship quality time is plentiful and the mood is good, I have a clear understanding of the kids’ matters—knowing where everyone stands—sports go well and aches and injuries are in the background, there’s enough money in the account for basic needs and it’s been used wisely, there’s a moment to pause and follow the news and the world, write thoughts in the blog, and there’s still enough time left for sleep.

You probably guessed what I’ll say next. If even one of these doesn’t happen, the feeling isn’t quite at its peak anymore. I’m probably demanding too much of myself. Because I’m an obsessive enthusiast who has never decided that some theme can be added to life “later.” Correction: I have decided. Electric guitar playing skills are on the waiting list, and that goal will only materialize when I’m too frail for sports 🙂

This relates to previous posts. As an Adult with ADHD and My Shameful Superpower

The Golden Middle Path…

I have many compelling reasons to admit that there’s no sense in this overachieving, self-imposed overload, and obsessions, and that it’s worth striving to maintain balance among the interesting aspects of life at every turn:

• Respecting schedules and other people
• Physical fitness – the body doesn’t like excessive sitting at the computer or one-sided exercise
• Sufficient sleep and recovery – sooner or later, you’ll compromise on it if neglected!
• Giving time for learning – rest and absorption of knowledge/skills

Humans aren’t designed for obsessions and excessive decision-making situations. I won’t go into the neurological reasons for this, which the internet is full of.

What Would You Change?

What would you do first in my position? What goal would you set for yourself to make decision-making easier?