Continuous diary post about my experiences during my alcohol-free period

22/4/2025

It’s Easter Monday morning, and I’ve gotten up before five for a shower and my morning coffee. My back is aching, and allergies have blocked my nose, but I’m still eager to start the day. As I sit here, I enjoy the gentle sound of spring rain on the roof, the rustling of the eaves, and the birds singing. The long Easter holidays end today, and my thoughts are turning to a week of children and work. A grocery store is on the horizon as I settle back into the routine of home life, already planning for tomorrow’s tasks.

Easter passed without a strict schedule, and the rainy weather kept me mostly indoors. On Saturday, we drove to Lappeenranta to get a set of tires and moved on to a tire change job as well. Yesterday, I spent most of the day developing my blog, making for a calm weekend. Although we didn’t plan any big outings, we enjoyed our time “together separately,” finding comfort in each other’s presence.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my personal development, particularly finding joy in exercise and achieving a balanced lifestyle. The thought of going to the gym or jogging doesn’t appeal to me, especially when just getting dressed and moving around at home causes discomfort in my back and legs. Because of this lack of motivation for physical activity, I’m also neglecting healthy eating habits, often opting for candy, chocolate, and those irresistible round caramel waffles from the store! My motivation feels entirely depleted! I know that lying in bed or sitting in front of a laptop worsens my back issues, yet I find learning new knowledge and skills far more engaging than focusing on my physical health. I understand it’s wrong to neglect my body, as physical well-being is intrinsically linked to mental well-being, and achieving a balance between the two is crucial.

I’ve come to realize that forcing myself to go out for exercise just doesn’t work for me. While the promise of fresh air and a taste of exercise initially seems appealing, for me it often turns into a source of discomfort and regret. Many times, I’ve ventured out only to turn back home after a few minutes, feeling worse than before. Rather than promising myself a run today, I’ve decided to wait until a genuine feeling of energy or a positive “voluntary” urge compels me to move, whether it stems from self-loathing, anxiety, or simply feeling well-rested and energetic.

Lately, it has felt somewhat meaningless to venture out into the town center to meet people. The desire to frequent cafes or bars on weekday evenings or even weekends has dwindled, as the once-great need for company and constant updates on social situations has vanished. I no longer feel compelled to know who is where or engage in somewhat superficial conversations at the bar. Thus, it has been easy to remain absent from these scenes, resulting in acquaintances perceiving me as so-called missing. I wonder if those conversations with half-acquaintances or complete strangers were pointless or important. Perhaps, without the social lubricant of a couple of beers, I find it difficult to talk naturally or listen intently. Nevertheless, I do miss a significant portion of these interactions and sometimes question whether I have somehow stopped truly living.

I’ve been feeling disconnected from my friends lately, not because they’ve changed or that we can’t find things to do together, but because I’ve been so deep on a personal journey of self-discovery. I’ve chosen to leave alcohol out of social situations, focusing instead on cleansing myself physically and activating my own thoughts. This change has sparked a constant flow of new ideas in my mind that I am eager to explore, such as world politics, social media and marketing trends, and individual change stories. These topics captivate me, and instead of wanting to rush to discuss them with my friends, I feel a strong urge to educate myself first. It’s as if I’ve been asleep for years, drifting along without truly engaging with the world around me, and now I crave knowledge at my fingertips. I hope that my thirst for understanding will soon be quenched, allowing me to live more in the moment and truly pay attention to those around me.

I feel really conflicted. It seems like there are no big highlights that I would expect. On the other hand, this feels like it is how it has to go, getting used to a more stable life. My need to escape reality has disappeared, and after a long time, I have been appreciating the time I spend on myself. In fact, I value it so much that sometimes I feel like I’m on hot coals if I don’t read the news of the day or have a list of things I’m going to find out about.

I’m not changing my decision about not drinking alcohol for now, at least not during the spring or early summer. I want to observe and recognize all kinds of stages of change in myself, both easy and difficult, desired and unwanted. To determine if I genuinely want alcohol in certain situations, I must first appreciate its positive aspects and decide if I’m missing something significant without it. This requires me to discern which feelings are temporary stages of change and which are intrinsic to my deeper being, character, and personality.

Have a really nice, short, and spring-filled week!

5/4/2025

A Night at the Theatre: Reflections on Socializing and Relaxation

Last night, I had a night in the theatre with my love. As evening approached, I felt a familiar urge—a desire to unwind with a drink or two, maybe a beer or a cocktail with her. It seemed like a perfect way to extend the evening’s enjoyment.

A Change in Mood

However, as the night progressed my craving for a drink faded, replaced by a sense of contentment. I didn’t need the buzz of alcohol or the atmosphere of a bar. The evening felt complete just as it was.

Leaving the theatre, I felt peaceful and satisfied. The fatigue from the workweek nudged us gently towards home. By eleven, we were in bed, ahead of schedule, savoring a restful sleep. This turn made me reflect on how easily relaxation can be achieved without alcohol.

The New Normal

I’ve come to appreciate this newfound ease in relaxation. There’s a freedom in not feeling pressured to join social settings that feel obligatory. The idea of going to a bar, even with a non-alcoholic drink, just to keep you active with social life, feels less appealing.

Embracing Change

This experience has highlighted the value of quality over quantity in social moments and the importance of genuine relaxation. Sometimes, the best way to unwind is to simply savor the moment, whether it’s a captivating play or the comfort of home.

In articles about sobriety, it’s often noted that many people don’t drink at all, though it’s easy to overlook this. On nights like Wednesday, when students filled the city, and yesterday when theatergoers spilled onto the streets, it struck me how often evenings revolve around drinks.

So, am I missing out? Of course, I sometimes wonder if this is just a whim and if I’ll later feel I missed something. It’s normal I guess when navigating change…

The pride and fulfillment from extending my sober streak are immensely rewarding. Even when cravings hit hard, they can’t match the satisfaction and pride on the other side.

Lack of urgency is the main expectation

With work and leisure keeping me busy, my most cherished break isn’t about drinking—it’s about savoring unhurried moments. Whether it’s a peaceful café stop or sharing laughs with my kids or my beloved, it fills me with satisfaction and allows me to be present.

I’m looking forward to next Friday for a 100-day (alcohol-free) “celebration”! Before that, next Tuesday, I’ll have a adhd examination progress check with a nurse which is likely to strengthen my determination.

I decided to opt out of the gym team’s wrestling sports trip to Turku. Not because the group isn’t great—it really is important to me —but because I needed time to breathe and gather my thoughts.

Spring has begun, and it might be the most challenging time to stay alcohol-free, but I’m confident I won’t backtrack during the spring. This Saturday morning, I feel pleasantly energized. Plans include a jog or walk through spring’s embrace and a little road trip and a dinner. The sun’s shining, and I’ve had a great night’s sleep. Have a fantastic weekend!

22/3/2025

Recovery and Resilience

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last check-in! Although my mood has been a bit on the gloomy side, I’m starting to spot some silver linings. The past weeks haven’t been wasted; instead, they’ve been quietly forging my resilience. Last week was a showdown with the flu, with a sidekick of back pain giving me a free pass to chill. I managed to sneak in some walks and paddle tennis sessions, more for my sanity than anything else, but my back rehab was left undone again. At the start of the week, I was still a bit ill, working remotely. By week’s end, I was already back on the factory, dreaming of a winter getaway. The spring sun brought some tenpting ideas of patio beers, even though restaurant terraces have not been opened yet.

Commitment to Sobriety
It’s been over 11 weeks—exactly 80 days—since my last dose of alcohol. This Monday, after my public healthcare check-in about ADHD research, it became obvious to me that I’ll remain alcohol-free at least for the rest of the spring. Why? Well, the research demands sobriety, and let’s be real, I can’t find a single reason to indulge. Old habits feel scarier than any fleeting joy a drink might bring, so I admit fear’s got my back, pushing me toward this new, exciting chapter.

Challenges and Achievements
January was a breeze, February was like a pre-game warm-up, but March? March has been more difficult. Alcohol’s not on my mind, but physical fatigue, backaches, and a sprinkle of aimlessness have crashed the party, leaving me a bit uncertain which has been very stressful.

I’ve been winging my free time, no diary entries or calendar plans. Balance? Gone! Some days are chill, while others feel like a chaotic lottery. Gym, run, store, home, or just drive around? Almost every day, I’ve felt like I haven’t done enough and been wasted valuable time even when hanging out with my kids, partner, or friends. Silly, right?

But here’s the plot twist: I didn’t need sports to justify my sobriety. I’m proud and happy with myself even without the hustle. That’s a win for the future! As my holiday week draws to a close, I’m realizing it was yet another triumph. Living one day at a time, sans big plans and timetables, is the way forward!

Embracing Boredom and Finding Balance
Boredom has made a few appearances lately. My emotional rollercoaster has leveled out—no dark clouds of self-doubt, no dopamine-fueled bar nights, but more steady ride. Slight boredom’s actually teaching me something valuable. Though gym dates remain elusive, I’m learning to embrace the mundane.

Future Plans
Time to up my game! More exercise, more plans, more friend time. I’ve been overthinking things, so a change of pace is in order. An upcoming adventure with a group of guys promises a hardcore workout and a night of fun. I’m curious about how my fitness holds up and am pumped to enjoy the trip and awesome company without a drop of alcohol.

8/3/2025

It’s been 66 days now and l’ll start feeling a clearly better update of myself. Yesterday, on Friday evening, after a couple of weeks of flu, back pain and a busy work schedule, I went to a couple of pubs with friends. About a dozen awesome friends of mine were drinking a bit different drinks than me, but it felt totally secondary to think about what I was sipping! There was laughter and also deeper discussions about life experiences, too. I felt like I was well received and my abstinence from drinking didn’t seem to bother others either.

Still, it felt easy to leave in the middle of the evening and in fact the most tempting thing was to drive home to my loved one.. Sauna, non-alcoholic beer, watching series, having a rest and closeness. In general, enjoying the home environment has become much easier and I feel more peaceful.

This morning I was in bed late and had a nice, leisurely morning with many cups of coffee. Now that the flu is over, I took advantage of the sunny day by walking 5 km along the seashore with music in my ears! Spring air and cheerful people everywhere!

The sleep debts has now been paid off again and I finished expanding the blog to be bilingual, so the development of the site should not go to extremes in a way that would upset the overall balance in time use. My effort next is to activate exercise again and keep goals and good choices in mind.

I still don’t feel the pressure of the decision about alcohol “policy” for the rest of the spring. The exact rules are already prepared, but at the moment I just don’t want to try any rules. At this stage, it would feel like compromising on my own goals and a kind of failure or wasting something good to go even a short distance back towards the old.

28/02/2025

The work week is over and it’s finally time to rest… and get sick! This week Thursday-Friday were remote days, when the flu finally hit me too, and I was worried about how I would be able to handle the mandatory tasks by the new moon. Children have also had fevers, so it was mainly a matter of time to lose my own resistance.

“Clearly better update” will be a weekly journal, which I will update weekly or less often depending on how much there is new to say about my alcohol-free period. So let me start here, after the 58th day:

It will now be two months without the negative effects of alcohol. The lesson so far has been that new life and change do not automatically show their best sides or appear in a state of alertness quickly. I haven’t been able to seize all the benefits, but instead I’ve been completely exhausted throughout February. There are three obvious reasons for that: blog writing excitement, back problems and the illusion of unlimited mental capacity.

I would be able to withstand the pressures of work and exercise without compromising on them being half-fit, and on top of that, start new hobbies and support all my loved ones and give time to all the most important ones. I have found also a new friend. I have not been ready to compromise on anything, except for my own physical well-being!

Maintaining the blog has been balancing between tinkering with structural functionalities, i.e. developing IT skills, and writing articles. Both are great objects of interest and confidence boosters for me! It doesn’t suit my nature or my neurostructure that I learn sometime later. All the information right here right now! I don’t dream of living on the earnings based on the blog, and I don’t dream of getting thousands of readers either.

But I think my interest will wane when it’s the right time. I gain self-confidence and a good mood when I learn to make a new functionality on my site. Competence is more important than the end result. Maybe in the spring I will be inspired to just write about my life and stop expanding the pages or designing new pages. Or maybe some new excitement will replace it and my balance is gone again!

The back problems are still not fully resolved. Visits to the physiotherapist, exercise trials, ibuprofen doses… and now they prescribed some “retard medicine” with a long-lasting effect. Muscle membranes must be moved, the nervous system should be allowed to relax before going to bed, and static stretching is not useful, they said. Nerve pain radiating to the legs should go away with the right kind of gentle training of the deep abdominal muscles.

However, I have decided to trade time for other things from these sweaty painful movements, so it’s no wonder that the pain doesn’t go away. I can do sports when I bite my teeth, warm up and pop ibuprofen three times a day. I can do hockey, padel, squash, the gym and probably running too, but the problem is the pain and radiation after sleeping or sitting down for a while.

The average duration of night sleep in January and February was 5h 50 min and 5h 54 min. I typically wake up at three or four with back pain at least once. So there’s no need to wonder why the whole of February went in a blur. First I have to get to the old level of over 6 hours and then get at least half an hour extra to my average. The increase would affect e.g. in such as creativity and enjoyment of exercise. One reminder that prompts me to sleep is reaching the maximum limit for ChatGPT’s advanced searches. It tells you that you should sit less on the computer…

The illusion of unlimited capacity can be seen especially in the fact that I have taken two or three Xamk Pulse (open university of applied science) )courses at the same time as there is already a lot of new things to get used to and a tough start of year at work, helping also with my daughter’s affairs, children’s summer job search, etc. Completely voluntarily, without any external pressure.

The Canva course was easy and interesting. The WordPress blogging course has been disappointing so far and hasn’t offered any new insights, even though I started from scratch to make my blog last month without any courses. Data analysis and reporting systems are already in the course pipeline, coming next!

The exercise amounts (January 25 times, February 17 times) are also at least the average level of the year. That has only been possible by choosing really nice ball games or group exercises. Being tired, I wouldn’t have ended up to the gym alone even once or twice a week. So thank you to my super nice padel, squash and gym friends for motivating nice company!

Despite the fatigue, I already feel big changes in, for example, my calmness, concentration, sociability, positivity, ability to relate things, problem-solving skills, self-confidence, sense of humor and cheerfulness, in other words… …my happiness! I still want to add energy and good quality sleep to the list. Although right now, after a little illness, I would like to get out of the door and dream of spring sunshine!

I learned from artificial intelligence that stopping the use of alcohol affects the neurostructure, i.e. the structures and functions of the brain, significantly, because alcohol changes the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain and the function of nerve cells. During the first 1-3 months of sobriety, the hippocampus in the brain, which is already associated with memory and learning, begins to recover.

But it’s mind-boggling to think about how long it takes for even a partial repair of the damage. In 3-6 months, apparently, the prefrontal cortex recovers, which affects decision-making and self-control. Neuroplastic nerve connections are also restored, developing creativity and learning ability. In 6-12 months, most of the damage caused by alcohol is repaired and mood regulation and energy level improve. In this case, endorphin and serotonin hormones also produce a good feeling normally without the help of alcohol.