Pool Bottoms and Determined Glide

“On a break because of life.”

Many times during the summer and autumn, a confusing question returned to my mind about my blog and why I left it on such a long break… or why I even want to continue again now! So why did I stop? Probably because I was in a hurry to go out and do things, to live, and I felt far too impatient to sit at a computer. And why would I continue then? Because after a long break, writing feels exciting and meaningful again. I feel that I get energy from it and some kind of unexplainable peace.

This first post of the year is actually a summary of last year, which included rock bottoms and also a lot of new development. A lot has happened and new ideas for writing have arisen as well. So please join me again!

I made the previous update Excitingly Normal over half a year ago on July 3, 2025. Back then I had behind me a disciplined life-change period of the whole early year, including a 5-month alcohol break. In the winter my mind had come alive and I was very interested in everything around me. I craved new information; world politics and the news swept me along and I formed a lot of my own opinions. Things on the outer circle and the news coverage shocked, angered, amused, made me laugh or stirred disbelief, and it was fun to comment on those experiences to others. A big change in lifestyle and daily rhythm toward a healthier life was behind me. (Read more: Clearly Better Update). Ahead was a long and challenging summer.

Putting the blog on a break was therefore not a planned decision, but after the previous posts I just didn’t find the right state of mind or peace to write during the summer. The long summer included an incredible amount of fun activities, trips, and enjoying the sun, but also stress and uncertainty. My focus shifted back to my own things, my world became smaller, and following the news and fascinating phenomena faded away.

Towards Performance and Crisis

Spring and summer vacation were anything but sitting still! There was a joyful spring celebration, determined stair running, inspiring padel lessons, tennis excitement, a frustrating battle with back problems, relaxed beach days, thrilling road trips, an amusement park day with the kids and a trip to Tallinn, some personal time, ice cream, a summer theater performance, and even an amazing canoeing trip! After the total alcohol break ended, alcohol didn’t however play a big role in the summer, but in certain moments it did drain energy from planning shared activities.

At the end of a good summer vacation, anxiety hit, a went through a crisis and took a solo life-experience trip related to personal growth, a pause to think things through rationally, and ultimately the narrow rescue of a relationship and a re-evaluation of my own values. After all that, the end of the long summer left me feeling very fortunate and comforted, and not only the relationship but also the continuation of everyday life after summer was a huge relief. The autumn and the rest of the year were then spent very strictly focused on work and home life, and gritting my teeth through sports despite ongoing pains. In terms of lifestyle, I spent the end of the year walking the golden mean without extremes, although I did achieve a lasting positive change!

Exhausted, inadequate, and doubtful me

I can’t really speak of good balance for last year. Moods fluctuated, there were too many events, too little peaceful downtime, but also inactivity occasionally paralyzed me. The emptiness of the calendar and the aimlessness it brought were at times corrosive poison, and there were pressures on the summer vacation. In my case, inactivity doesn’t guarantee proper recovery if I don’t find the right approach to being still. In other words, rest also has to be planned.

On the work front, last year was overall really tough, and it was probably completely pointless to dampen my mood with the thought that I’m good for nothing when I don’t have the energy to exercise or carry out activities in my free time. Still, I accumulated around two hundred exercise sessions over the year. Even so, compared to my expectations I felt lacking and unproductive, and I should have been able to do a hell of a lot better. The feeling of inadequacy kept recurring when I thought about not reaching the goals related to my fitness and self‑image — quite the opposite, my body feels totally wrecked and I have no idea which path to follow to get my issues fixed!

Activating Through Rest

I started writing part of this text for the first time on October 10. That day was World Mental Health Day. The theme day mostly passed me by, except that it reminded me of the blog and many articles about mental health. I didn’t put on green, set up lights, or take the ten-minute “Mind Break.” I surely didn´t participate a single mental health discussion on social media! At the same time, strangely, it was also Aleksis Kivi and liver casserole day! Even though I bought a package of traditional finnish Saarioinen liver casserole from the store for the end of my week with my children (which ended up in the trash), I’ll still focus on the first of the aforementioned commemorative days:

Mental health deserves its own celebration day. It’s worth taking care of in every possible way! Unfortunately, some people still feel that going to therapy is a sign of personal failure and weakness. This can make the threshold to seek therapy very high, and then people wait unnecessarily to see if it’s just a passing mental slump. For many, exercise is apparently a familiar, easy, and respectable form of therapy that can be started directly from a state of stress and mental chaos. Once you clear your head, a good physical feeling soon follows, which clears the mind and eases worries.

It doesn’t work like that at all for me! For me, getting active in my free time always first requires total rest and pausing. Then comes planning — structure and order, overall control and comprehensiveness. In other words, seeing the whole picture so I know what I’m doing. Only after this does the long-forgotten desire for exercise awaken. I always notice that to stay on the right track, I have to start humbly with rest and building the calendar.

Towards the end of the year, I was often so tired that I couldn’t go exercise unless it was also an appealing way to see friends. I simply didn’t have the energy for solo workouts or what you might call “boring and sensible” exercise. “Just try to go, and once you get started, it’ll take off!” Not in my case. A few times I was already at the gym locker, trying to force myself to train, gave up in the face of a hopeless situation, and went straight home. Often I didn’t even have the energy to plan grocery shopping or cook. Of household chores, only cleaning and maintaining order interested me before the evening relaxation time.

So what caused that exhaustion? Certainly not sitting around with beer or staying up late at night. My average sleep has been increasing since autumn, and the amount of exercise hasn’t been over the top, except now in January. I was undoubtedly drained from using my brain capacity to the max at work, certain unclear or stagnant issues, but equally from aimlessness and compromising my own goals in free time. Fortunately, now the direction is really good again! It feels like the new year is an opportunity, and I have the will and energy to bring everything into balance, both work and free time.

Self-Confidence and the Threat of Paralysis

For me, self-confidence has always been something earned and a quickly changing state, not a permanent personality trait. Focusing on my health, finances, family life, exercise, relationship, and seeing friends is usually enough to raise self-confidence. Trust and the good choices it produces must first be found, felt, and only then do the right choices and resilience in difficult moments begin to form automatically. Sometimes I hit a tipping point, where the process drops to manual control, and it takes very little for the feeling to go one way or the other — whether I remain calm and strong, or, as the system falters, restless and weak.

Paralysis for me is strongly driven by emotion and can happen after just a couple of “neglects,” like an unmet goal or a skipped calendar event. Rationally, nothing has really gone badly yet, and planned exercise or other activities could easily be replaced with rest or a return to a good choice, but too often I use them as an excuse to freeze and lose my motivation. Reason hasn’t managed to override the feeling here, so structure and discipline are needed to make the right choices.

Overload and Experiences of Excessiveness

Many things cause me to feel overloaded: work stress, unexpected problems, life situations, family crises, financial worries, aimlessness and jumping between tasks, mandatory recurring obligations, or unrealistic goals. It’s particularly interesting to notice the connection between feeling overloaded and the subsequent justification and reward logic — the process in which the mind gives itself permission to indulge, or in the absence of that, to complain or create misfortune.

Many acquaintances or people who have lived with me would probably nod along if I said I’ve been spoiled and self-centered. I’ve received a lot ready-made, a lot of help, freedoms to act and go, and on the other hand, I’ve been surrounded by good people and healthy structures. I also didn’t have to watch my parents drinking or fighting as a child, and home was always a good place to be. Things have always gone smoothly and reasonably through discussion with my sister, parents, and friends. I’ve found wonderful partners with whom it has been good to be and to learn about life and differences. Still, I’ve been under the pressure of overall load, in trouble and stressed, and had to seek that self-confidence.

Comparison to Others

I admit I’ve fallen into thinking that I’ve had to endure a lot, perhaps more stress and setbacks than many others. Even though there have been people close to me who have lost their parents, siblings, or best friends, or who have become seriously ill and recovered, my experiences have felt excessive. I feel ashamed in hindsight when I stop to think about it.

In my view, comparing oneself to others is unnecessary, and the ability to handle problems and put them into perspective varies individually. The same goes for tendencies toward addictions. The experience is always real, say healthcare professionals to their patients. Have I ever had the right to show symptoms? There are always two opposing opinions on this, and neither is necessarily wrong or the only correct one.

Reward Logic

It is still clear that this feeling of overload has created a “whatever” attitude in me and further increased the compulsion to chase external pleasures, instead of seeking happiness closer to home by spending peaceful time with those who are in my life.

My experiences have led to justifying cravings and pleasures and to the despair that I can’t handle all of this without those justifications, bad choices, habits, or even addictions. Heavy work would require heavy entertainment. They should supposedly be balanced out with selfish choices that actually produce more feelings of unhappiness, stress, or feed addictions. Last year proved that I don’t need pints of beer, attention from strangers, or escaping responsibilities to relieve stress. I finally learned a lot about rest and the meaning of home, and it has been relieving to realize that my lifestyle and everyday habits never returned to the old ways.

Why reflecting on this is important. I would say that when you think about it from time to time, it’s easier to see all the good in your life, think positively, and feel free.

Signs of a Midlife Crisis

Approaching fifty, combined with the persistent, seemingly permanent physical ailments and fatigue that plagued me all year, actually created my first real midlife crisis last year. At least during the summer, all the things I might never be again crept into my thoughts. I wasn’t in summer shape this spring either. Will I ever find a solution to my back problems? Are the pains coming from my back, will it even improve with rehab, or do I have a tumor, arthritis, or worn-out hips? Have I now reached that critical extra year that permanently separates me from those ten years younger? The age gap will probably keep growing from now on, so they probably won’t even follow along — the situation will just get worse. 🙂

After this period of crisis, Ic understand again that if I want to, I can still get myself into good shape and be better and happier! So for now, the crisis has eased!

Self‑Reflection on Pause

My goal is to let this post remain the last self-reflective piece for the time being. It’s time to toss the analyses aside, observe the world around me again, think about and write on news and phenomena. To consider things a bit more lightly and from the outside. And perhaps get some perspectives from others!

What’s Next

My goals for winter and spring now include focusing on a high-quality everyday life. At work, a fresh start to the new year with certain development goals; spending time, supporting, and caring with my children and partner; keeping in touch with friends; and getting myself in physical shape. I’ll visit doctors and an osteopath, train muscle strength and the nervous system until I find a solution. I want to try and improve in new sports, such as freestyle swimming and padel. Not forgetting the “Men’s Turn” guy‑gym-cross training group!

That’s already quite a list of activities, which will surely take my mind off my own mental twists! If last summer was sinking to pool bottoms and autumn was splashing around , in swimming terms I hope for a long, efficient and determined glide for the start of this year. Wishing you success as well!